


Dizzy From My Love (And Because Of The Flu)

by JaninaThroughTheFandomWorld101



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Everyone Needs A Hug, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-01-25 16:24:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21359185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaninaThroughTheFandomWorld101/pseuds/JaninaThroughTheFandomWorld101
Summary: "Buck is dizzyingly in love with Eddie. He could literally pass out from the force of his feelings. His throat feels raw from holding back one too many love declarations. And the flu isn't helping, at all, in making the situation any better."ft. the flu, birthday cake and two oblivious idiots
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 266





	1. In Sickness (And In Health)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dedicate this chapter to the "I forgive you" scene. Keep moving forward, Buddie. We believe in you. You've got this.

It's cool, really. It is. _Totally. _Buck is not at all jealous right now. He's chillin' actually, ready to celebrate his best friend and only moments away from hanging out with his chosen family, the fire fam, and his genetic family, Maddie (who he would've chosen too if he had the choice because she's _awesome_) and it would be - no it _is_ totally cool that Eddie is so caught up in talking to this random beautiful woman that he doesn't even notice anything around him.

Including the fact that Buck came to his party. That he _walked_ here - because he can't drive after taking pain meds but still brought the _heavy_ present with him - even though he has the flu and there's a high possibility that he's going to fall face first into the CONGRATS DIAZ cake that Chimney baked for him _at some point_. Even though he's so _pathetically_ dizzy that the earth seems to be tilting and his head feels like cotton. Like, it's totally _fine_.

And Buck truly wants to believe that _right about now_ because otherwise he might possibly (probably) break down and cry - because he feels like utter crap and the only thing he wanted was to see Eddie. Surprised warm eyes, growing smile, soft hands reaching for him, hugging him - that's what he had imagined. Eddie being delighted and slightly worried but most of all, _above all_, happy to have Buck here. That's what he had hoped. 

So maybe this hurts, hurts _badly_, and Buck's just going to admit it to himself, you know, and rip the emotional band aid off. After that, he's going to bottle it up, put it into a box and be the best damn friend that he can be - because _that's_ what Eddie deserves.

It's not _his_ fault that Buck has foolishly fallen in love with him. It's not his fault that his eyes sparkle so damn _pretty _when he's happy and his grin makes Buck _melt_ and that spending time with Christopher and him makes him feel whole and warm and tender and like he's so _fragile_ but _safe_ \- it's not, not, _not_ and mission _Pull Yourself Together, Evan Buckley_ starts right about now - "Bucky!"

_Oh,_ Christopher. Oh, shit. Buck immediately realizes he's not ready. _Abort the mission,_ he thinks, _before it even started._ But it's too late for _anything_ \- too late to gather his thoughts, too late to quietly leave before anyone sees him - because a second ago _Christopher_ yelled his name. Christopher who is standing _directly_ beside his daddy and the woman. And Buck _panics_ but his body remembers how to be Evan Buckley, how to behave in a normal way and _not_ be completely dumbfounded.

He steps forward, a little wobbly, and tries to make his voice as _light_ and _goofy_ and _ordinary_ as possible. "Hey, Buddy. All good?" Chris, sweetly, tries to shuffle closer and opens his mouth when Eddie's eyes collide with his. It's a _little_ nice and a _lot_ like being suckerpunched. "Buck?"

He sounds odd, something undefinable in his voice. Something awed? No, confused probably. Buck tries to focus _so bad_ but he only comes up with a breathless "Happy birthday, Eddie." That's the exact moment Chris reaches him, too. His arms wound around Buck, a bit awkwardly but it's perfect anyway, and squeezes, tightly. "You came! Dad said you were sick." _I am_, Buck thinks. 

But it's not what he says. Instead he pats this dorky boy who he _adores_ on the back with one hand - the other is holding Ed's present - and smirks down at him. "Couldn't pass up your dad's birthday, could I? I heard there's cake, you know."

-

It's not cool, not at _all_. And Eddie's not going to pretend otherwise. Because - _he's not even trying_. He's not even trying to have fun right now. He's trying - and _succeeding_ \- at making it seem that way, _yes_, but he's not in the mood to _actually_ try to make a reality out of that illusion.

The fire house is _so_ into honouring his birthday and Veronica, the pretty brunette that Bobby introduced to him, is _so_ into making a genuine connection with him and Christopher, his perfectly sweet kid, is _so_ into the decorations and the cake and the way everyone takes his opinion so seriously and it _could_ have been, _should_ have been, _would_ have been the best way to end the day but it's not. 

It's _not_, and Veronica is looking at him, waiting, patiently, and he has heard nothing and now there's a pause and it gets longer and _longer_ and he needs to fill it but he's not sure how and - "Bucky!"

Bucky. Bucky? Eddie's heart jumps. _Don't turn around immediately. Breathe through, Diaz,_ he thinks. _Slowly, slowly, slowly, just normal speed and dios mio_ \- it turns out Eddie has no chill when it comes to Evan Buckley. He almost gave himself whiplash just because he wanted to look at him _right this second_, now, now, now. Almost stumbled, too. Fuck.

Where, where, where - oh, there he is. "Buck?" And then he gulps, heavily, because he just interrupted Christopher. Who wanted to answer Buck. Who said something that he didn't get because he's staring at his best friend. Who is _here_. How is he here? Isn't he sick? He still _looks_ sick - "Happy Birthday, Eddie."

And it's like warm milk and crackling fire, kinda scratchy, and so very soothing. Their eye contact remains, one, two, three, four, _five_ more second and breaks. It feels like a loss, aching, hollow. For the first time since he's seen Buck, Eddie consciously perceives his surroundings. Most of the people are unbothered, not watching them, laughing and talking to each other. 

Except Maddie who looks _surprised_ and Chim who looks _worried_ and Bobby who looks _knowing_. And - Eddie doesn't know what to _do_ with those reactions so he turns his head back around and zeroes in on the scene before him, tries to stay calm and lowkey because - 

Christopher, his number one, is hugging Buck, grasping him, hanging onto him, smiling with crinkles at the corners of his eyes and his shirt is slightly rumpled and his glasses are awry and Eddies heart _clenches_, then expands and expands until it's bursting with affection, and gratitude, and happiness and _love._

Love, love, love. It's a chant in his mind, body and heart. Loud and _persistent_, especially now that he has acknowledged it. _It._ "You came! Dad said you were sick," exclaims his son bubbly. And Eddie thinks _he did come_ and _I did say that_ and _He is sick_. "Couldn't pass up your dad's birthday, could I? I heard there's cake, you know." 

And Eddie thinks _you could if you're sick, idiota_ and _there is, it's delicious_ and _I'm so happy you came_ and _you're the best thing that happened to me since Christopher_ and _I lov_ -

Eddie moves forward suddenly, unconsciously at first and then determined, _harshly so_, like a massive switch was flipped, like a fog was lifted, and Bucks eyes widen but he follows his lead nevertheless. Step, step, step and then he's falling, falling, _falling_. Eddie would love to finish that thought differently, make it something heartwarming and cheesy like _deeply in love with me_, but he's falling to the ground instead. Buck just fainted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 911, you rock. Buddie fans, you rock. 
> 
> aka i love to make words cursive  
aka sick!Buck has nothing on whipped!Buck


	2. Strong, Suave And Super (Sick)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this chapter has 0% plot and 100% gushy feelings

Buck is _dizzyingly_ in love with Eddie. He could literally pass out from the force of his feelings. His throat feels raw from holding back one too many love declarations. And the flu isn't helping, _at all_, in making the situation any better. And Buck _knows_ he's staring at Eddie like an absolute dumbo (no shade on the cute elephant amd entirely stressing the dumb- part) and it's _awful_. 

Mostly because Eddie looks far away, confused and overwhelmed all at the same time. And that's probably his fault. Even if he can't figure out why his presence would warrant those specific emotions. But like, who is he to judge how someone reacts to something they hadn't expected? Especially if that someone mentioned is _Eddie_. 

All his concentration is on the _rollercoaster_ that his thoughts are right now so he flinches a little when Chris moves and tucks his face into his stomach. But despite feeling like duck crap, Buck smiles. He turns his head to look at him when he almost loses his grip on the present. His body lurches, arm heavy, feet confused from the sudden vertigo and buzzing in his ears but he stays upright. 

He feels Christopher lean away slowly, slightly towards the cake, like he wants Buck to follow and when he does, his eyes connect with Eddie's again. And it stops him immediately. Intense eyes blink at him, open, _so open_, but he can't properly define the emotion behind it. It's not in the catalogue of micro expressions of him that Buck has filed away in his mind. 

Slightly too breathless to be _focused_ on something. Slightly too heartfelt to be _angry_ at something. Slightly too knowing to be _shocked_ or _surprised_ by something - and that's messing with Buck. He doesn't like it. Not one bit. He wants to know _what_ and _why_. He wants to understand Eddie, always. Figure out what made him so unsettled and intent. He seems so _determined_? So hungry for his try, standing strong and tall, ready, just quietly waiting for someone to tell him _go_. 

And maybe that someone was Eddie himself because suddenly he's closer, closer, _closer_ to Buck. Suddenly he's going, one step after another without stopping and it feels _so_ _damn important_ that Buck feels unhinged. Because he's moving towards him. He's looking like _that_ walking in _his_ direction while remaining eye contact with _him_. He's entirely too - much. 

Eddie is driven and sure while Buck's _panicking_ because this part was _not_ in his imaginery play, this whole scene is very much _unscripted_ and Buck doesn't know which role was assigned to him, what dialogue is coming up next and it's terrifying and electrifying and out of some instinct he mimics Eddie's path, walks, walks, trying to meet him in the middle and - _thank you, mother earth_ \- Buck's _pretty_ sure he did the right thing because there's a glint in Eddie's eyes now, something blindingly lovely. 

It makes hope crawl up from the depths of his fluttery heart. There's a thousand thoughts running, stumbling, falling into each other in Buck's head and it's so messy and chaotic and wholeheartedly _exciting_. He feels faint from the euphoria of the possibility of what he _thinks_, what he _hopes_, what he _prays_ he **sees** in Eddie's eyes.

So _sue him_ for walking faster at the thought, for being giddy and completely oblivious to the signs of his body. Because he doesn't consciously perceive the stars blinking in his vision, the sweat on his forehead or his knees slowly caving in. It takes three seconds to take him down; two seconds to drown in Eddie's eyes and one second for the darkness of unconsciousness to catch up with him. 

Eddie is _worryingly_ in love with Buck. It's quite destabilizing to realize that. Eddie knew he loved Buck - _of course, he did_ \- it's not like his heart is a good actor; it beats like a drum every time Buck is near. So yeah, he _knew_. But _this_, this makes him understand how much. Because seeing him like that? _Hurts_. And it's not even a stab wound or a gun shot or an earth quake or anything big and flashy and dramatic and totally _possible_ in their job - it's just the damn flu. But _díos mio,_ it's scary. 

Buck is out, just lying on the sofa, still and silent. Doesn't move at all. Chim said he was awake again while Eddie talked to Christopher, briefly. Said he gave him a sleeping pill so his body could rest, reenergize. So right now, he's just sleeping. He's fine. He'll be okay. It's alright. No big deal. None at all - except it doesn't _feel _like it. 

What if he would've fainted while on the way here? If he got dizzy while crossing the street? A car could've hit him. _A car could've hit him_. And then he'd be gone. Just like Shannon. Well, not _exactly_ like Shannon. They don't have a son together. They're not married, Buck and him. Not romantically involved. _Not yet anyway_, whispers a voice in his head. But would that have changed anything from an emotional standpoint?

_No_, he knows, _it wouldn't have_. Because even if it's not official and out in the open: he _loves_ him. Eddie is in love with Buck. And he _does_ consider him family like Shannon. And he _does_ want all of those things with him - and more. To raise Christopher with Buck, marry him, move in with him and grow old with him.

To have a _gloriously_ happy life together - not just as _collegues_ and _best friends_ \- but as _partners_ in _every_ aspect.

To love each other through highs and lows.

_Forever_. 

Eddie wants. He wants it _so much_. And to realize he could have almost lost that before he even tried to make that fantasy a reality - it's painful, so _damn_ painful. _Díos mio_, he knows it's just the _damn_ flu and he knows _damn well_ that the chance of anything life-threatening happening to him on the way here _is_ and _was_ slim.

Because Eddie, _too_, knows the way, knows it's through two parks, knows Buck has to walk on only _one_ seemingly never-ending street before he has to cross to the other side, _once_, so there's not much of _anything_ that screams immediate danger but _still_ \- 

_"Ed's?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 9-1-1, you rock. Buddie, you rock.
> 
> 9-1-1- and Buddie-Fans, you rock and I hope you stay safe and healthy in these times.


	3. There Goes My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HYPE TRAIN FOR SEASON FOUR.

„Eds?“ Buck’s voice is quiet, sleepy. “Eddie?” It’s uttered weakly, so soft and tired. Eddie relates, feels that way, too. A little like a loose tooth, one moment from falling out. Slightly unhinged, barely hanging on. It’s not a nice feeling.

_Why did you come here_, the voice in his head screams, _why did you come here instead of letting yourself rest? You could’ve gotten hurt! A car could’ve hit you_, it rages. Buck waking up just pushed those fears to the front of his mind even more, unavoidable. Vicious, ruthless and uncaring of Eddie’s already emotional state. They just grab his attention and shake him and yell: _here, look, look at the scary stuff! Look at him almost getting hit by a car, look, look, look! This could have happened! _

And Eddie wants it to stop because it’s driving him absolutely crazy thinking like this. He doesn’t know why he’s so impossibly stuck on that _theoretical_ car _possibly_ hurting his best friend, _possibly_ killing him, taking him away from everything and everyone. He doesn't know why - 

No, that's a lie, a bold and ugly one at that.

It's so, so obvious why _that_ specific image is burned into his brain. _That_ scenario. Not because it’s so common in their line of work. No, it's because Shannon died _exactly_ like that and Eddie can picture Buck dying _exactly_ like that, too.

Out of nowhere, unsuspecting. One second there, another gone. Ripped away. 

He really doesn’t want to think about this right now. Or at all. Death in the same sentence as Buck makes him uncomfortable, anxious, makes him want to claw at his chest in phantom pain. 

“Eddie?”

“Buck,” he answers breathlessly. Eddie’s heart beats a panicked rhythm inside his chest, drums and hammers and yells _i don’t want to be scared about this, but I am_ and _why did you do that why did you make me feel this way by putting yourself in danger_ and _why am i so angry about this_ and _what was so important that you couldn’t just keep your ass on your couch at home where it’s safe safe safe safe safe. _

What comes out in the end is “Why did you come? What were you thinking?” in an accusing tone that Eddie wants to put back into his mouth and wish out of existence immediately because _no, no, no, it wasn’t meant that way_ and it wasn’t meant to make Buck’s glassy expression falter until it falls apart completely like a house of cards.

He did that.

“Sorry, I – I mean, it – No, I –“ Eddie tries to form words again, make it better, explain himself but nothing comes out, comes to mind, it’s suddenly so very blank in here and then Buck is talking already, lightning quick.

“No, no, it’s _fine_, dude. I get it, you’re right. I shouldn’t have been that… _reckless_. And like, ruin your night, you know. I hadn’t meant to but I… Anyway, I would one hundred percent get out of your face, but my knees still feel like I’m some untrained baby deer, so I’ll just rest right here, if that’s cool?”

“That’s not what I –“ His words stumble, and Eddie can’t stop himself from stuttering, again. His birthday just keeps getting worse. “I mean – I don’t –“ _Just spit it out, dios mío. Why is this so hard? Why am I so nervous? Why do I turn into an idiot every time I try to have a deeper conversation with Buck? I can’t think when his voice sounds that way and his eyes look that way_, Eddie thinks. 

“It’s fine, I get it. Sorry, really.” Bucks face is pinched, remorseful. “I’ll make it up to you, promise, for messing up the party. I’ll bake a cake, well, I’ll _try_ – and sing the birthday song with Chris and recreate an alternative celebration. A take two, you know. I’m sure Christopher would love helping me with that – “ Buck stops his ramble abruptly. “Oh _shit_, is Chris alright after seeing me faint again? Man, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think I felt that kind of bad, scout's honor. I only went because –“

_Just say something, anything. Just tell him the truth. Explain yourself, for once. Just do it, _Eddie thinks frantically, helplessly. 

“— I really wanted to taste the cake and witness the party gods bless us with Bobby dancing because that happens once in a lifetime. Also, I _kind of_ bought you an amazing present and –“ 

“I was worried.” There, finally.

“And – _what_?” Buck’s surprise hurts a little. _Okay_, so maybe Eddie hasn’t shown how much he cares about him recently all that much but – no, not maybe, _definitely_. But only because he doesn’t want to overwhelm him and say too much and ruin anything. _And maybe that mindset already ruined something, a little_, he thinks solemnly. _Great_. Great, great, great. It can only get better now, right?

“I was worried,” he starts again. “I’m not mad, Buck, not at you. I’m angry that you fainted because –“ Eddie breathes out, swallowing harshly. “— because I don’t want to see you get _hurt_. I – You didn’t ruin anything, nobody thinks that. And Chris is fine. He was relieved when I told him you were sleeping upstairs and everyone found out pretty quickly that you were okay. It’s kind of an accidental running gag now that you faint sometimes." Eddie pauses. "And at least you didn’t spit out blood this time."

Buck laughs. “Looking on the bright side here.”

“Right,” Eddie smiles at the amusement in his voice, the sparkle in his eyes coming back in full force. The atmosphere gets easier, less heavy, less tainted.

“Thanks. And sorry for worrying you, Eds. That’s the last thing I want to do.” Buck makes an all-encompassing gesture. “_Especially_ on your birthday,” he adds. “Are the others still there? How long was I out?”

“Not long, they are still here.” Eddie grins. “Long enough for everyone to eat more cake, though. If you’re lucky, there is still a piece left for you.” _I told Christopher to save one_, he thinks while he brushes a hand through his hair, _so there will be. But you don't need to know that. _Buck’s answering smirk gets bigger by the second, makes him look mischievous, playful and cheeky.

A good look on him judging from the way Eddies heart skips a few beats. 

“Awesome, what are we waiting for?” He grabs onto the couch to heave himself upright, tentatively. Eddie moves closer, _afraid_ and _hesitant_ and _on edge_. He almost can't stop himself from muttering 'Slow down, Evan' under his breath.

But Buck stops in his movement like he can read Eddies mind, his thoughts anyway without any prompting and waits a second before standing up slowly like he’s assessing how he feels, if he’s good, if it’s too much. He’s being careful and Eddie is grateful for that.

That doesn’t stop him from grabbing onto Buck when he wobbles a tiny bit after stepping on the blanket he was sleeping with. It’s a reflex, an unconscious reaction, not a thought-out decision. He didn’t mean to, it just happened.

Buck looks at Eddies hand on his skin and Eddies mouth turns dry. His eyes follow up his hand, arm, shoulder, neck and face until they are suddenly, from one moment to another, just looking at each other. 

“Eddie, you can let go now. It was just the blanket, I’m good.”

“I know.” Eddie doesn’t let go.

Buck looks confused but he doesn’t remove his hand either.

Eddie wants to look at him, wants to look at his eyes, his eyelashes, his eyebrows, his beauty mark, his cheeks, his jaw, his mouth. Wants to _look_, _look_, _look_ until he has memorized every little detail about Bucks face and then he wants to _look some more_ – just because he _can_, because he’s _allowed_, because he’s handsome and Eddie wants to. But they are looking at each other, Bucks eyes are still locked with his and if he does, Buck will _know_. Buck will _see_. Eddie doesn’t know if he wants him to. Eddie doesn’t know if he’s ready for him to.

To open this box of possibilities.

“Eddie?”

_I want to stop time_ doesn’t seem like a very platonic answer. Neither does _I want to stay like this, just for a minute_ so Eddie just keeps the silence and hopes that Buck will let him do that for a little longer. Maybe this was a stupid idea, though, because looking at Buck only makes Eddies heart ache. Makes him want _more; _more time to look, more time to memorize, more time together.

_I love you_, Eddie thinks desperately. _Do you see it in my eyes? Do you feel the same? Do you want me to say it? Would you like to hear those words even if you don’t feel the same? Would you still stay in my life? Would you still look at me, hug me, be with me, play with Chris, be my person if I did? Would you care about me the same? Would you still be my best friend? Would you still be my family? Would I ruin us if I told you that I love you right now? Right this second? Would you give me a half-assed answer to not hurt my feelings because it’s my birthday if I did? Would you look at me with pity and sorrow and fondness because you love me but not in that way? Or would you love me back? _

_Do you love me, Evan Buckley? _

Bucks expression is soft and warm and it’s so lovely and so full of affection and it’s everything good but not quite enough to reassure him and Eddie thinks, _give me a sign_. Eddie thinks, _please_. Eddie thinks, _I will say it, I swear, I will. If you give me a sign, I will make that step, I will. _

And Buck _does_ because he’s always been braver in moments like these, more inclined than Eddie to be openly vulnerable and emotionally honest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are all healthy and if you are not, I wish you a speedy recovery. Wear your mask and wash your hands. <3


End file.
